Memo to you, Guy Fieri: It is 2010!Guess who wears bowling shirts, wife beaters and backwards sunglasses on national TV in this futuristic age? Just you, you douche savant.
We all liked Swingers. It was fun - in 1996. But, we all liked Shawshank Redemption, too. That doesn't mean we all went out and got denim big house suits and pet crows to sport while we hosted our cooking shows, did we? And we sure as hell wouldn't do it some 14 years later.
It's obvious you like to travel in style, but are we really supposed to believe that you drive all over the 48 states in that red tank you roll in on during every episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dillholes? Sure dude, you just got back from a long weekend in Vegas where you caught the Frank junior and Wayne Newton double bill at the Copa and now you're in Fresno at that cute little pancake house. And if you are putting that many miles on yer dream ride, why the hell don't you put those shades over your eyes instead of the greasy fat roll drooped at the base of your neck?
Finally, we get to the infamous sweat band. Just one on the right arm and halfway up the forearm, too. Do you have some sort of overact pit gland on your man-side that spouts perspiration like a malfunctioning ride at Blizzard Beach? Or, maybe its a sort of protective/retractable sleeve for that twelve pound charm bracelet yer always jangling around on the meat paw you use to pile over-sized burgers and waffles into your craw. Either way, it must come in super handy when you're playing that bitchin' drum set or knocking the 8 ball around that pool table on your wicked sweet tv bachelor pad.
You have to be the only person on television who makes it seem like I can smell you from my living room. It's an oddly sickening combination of Aqua Velva, Paul Mitchell products, maple syrup and naugahyde.
Alright man, I will "check you later". I gotta go now and see if Padma is on the dial somewhere to help me wash your virtual stank off of my telly.
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