AHOY, CAP'N DILLHOLE

Jimmy Buffett is a modern day renaissance man. He's a songwriter, entertainer, recording star, best selling author and successful restaurateur. He's also one of the most deserving cock punch recipients I can imagine.

Just because a person can claim to have done all of these things, and even jackaloped Joe and Jane six pack into forking over money for it doesn't mean you're a good songwriter. Nor does it make you a talented author. And, it should not be interpreted that anyone with a whit of self respect wants to eat Onion Six Strings and Chocolate Nachos at yer pie hole palace.

I don't know how you did it and you do deserve at least a bit of credit for pulling this hoax on a hefty portion of middle-aged white America. But, that won't let you off this hook matey. You are an amalgamation of the worst things in current American popular culture. If a goofy jack ass dropped out of the sky today into a puddle of pina coladas while he wrote songs shittier than Maroon 5 and authored books that made Dan Brown seem like Herman Melville we'd be aghast. But, then if he upped the ante and opened up a slew of quasi-Chili's locations with neon palm trees out front, we'd hang him up by his genitalia.

The American middle class may be gullible enough to slurp your sandal-stamped shit pile but you have more than earned a nut jab for every time some tool popped a quarter in a jukebox and sang along to Margaritavilla at the top of his out of tune, drunken yap trap.