DANE COOK

At the risk of seeming like masters of the obvious, we give Dane Cook the full CP treatment. The reasons for Cook's crotch chop here are so apparent it would almost be like less work to try to find reasons not to include him. But, after several minutes of research it appears there is not one single, decent reason why he should be spared.

Why are you wearing sweat bands? Is that a new Swatch built out of terry cloth just for the Danester? While it's obvious that you must perspire a fair amount bouncing around in acid washed jeans mouth-humping your mic while you wax poetic about your most recent interlude at Burger King, Bruce Jenner era sweat bands aren't necessary. Christ, you could wear batting gloves and you would look less ridiculous.

Your reasons for wearing hunting camo t-shirts inside out must be myriad, but they're lost on me, dude. Maybe chicks dig it. Maybe Gander Mountain had some reject tees on sale when you stopped by last week. Either way, you look like an even larger tool than you already are.

Whispering isn't inherently funny. Neither is spouting the fake female falsetto you trot out on an all too regular basis. In fact, since you claim to be a comedian, perhaps you might want to work on writing some actual jokes. And if that is a bit too much work for you, at least make an attempt to tell stories that include some bit of humor and then try like hell to figure where they END. No, your stupid shit will not get funnier the longer you babble on about it.