HAS YOUR FAMILY PUNCHED HIM IN THE JUNK?

Garrison Keillor is not funny. Garrison Keillor cannot sing. Garrison Keillor cannot act. Garrison does not have an entertaining radio program. It seemed best to dispel certain widely held misconceptions before proceeding to the meat of this twig snap.

Having a folksy delivery by talking through your nose and personally knowing Allison Krauss should not be the merits on which one gets a nationally syndicated radio show.

Keillor gives a bad name to people who enjoy other public radio programming. Because this windblown boob is on every public radio frequency from here to kingdom come on Saturday nights does not mean that because someone enjoys a bit of All Things Considered or Fresh Air that they have to try "Powdered Milk Biscuit Mix" and pretend to think that the Guy Noir crap is funny or clever. It's neither.

Not every NPR listener sits in lonely wait by there Philco every Saturday night at 6:00 pm and is held at rapt attention while we get the "news" from a made up town in northern Minnesota. The best material on that insipid two hour extravaganza of dopiness is about Lutherans and jello salad. Neither of those things are funny, interesting or worth talking about at all. Stop it.

Mostly, if Garrison Keillor could learn only one thing from what we cover here today, HE SHOUD STOP SINGING. He is incapable of succeeding at this artform. A vague, toneless whisper from the bottom of onne's nose whilst breathing heavily is not singing. It's like asthma with misplaced musical notes. It's awful. Add to that his penchant for occasionally performing duets with the musical guest or singing along with a band that's there for the show. The more The Keel wheezes in semi-tune with professional musicians the more amateur hour he sounds? Kermit The Frog is really, not a very good singer, but when he sings the Rainbow Connection with just his banjo for accompaniment, he pulls it off pretty nicely. It's charming. Now, if Kermit tried to sing along with Del McCoury or The Old Crow Medicine Show he'd sound like an idiot. And you Mr. Keillor, are no Kermit The Frog.