THE FIRST

It was dreadfully difficult to narrow it down to just one CP victim, but someone has to go first. And, that dubious honor has been bestowed upon Matthew McConaughey.

I know you loved him Dazed and Confused and you're just positive that performance alone should be enough to grant CP clemency. Well, it's not, friend. What sort of transgressions, you ask, could be great enough to warrant a CP even in the face of that "genius" sleaze-ball stoner role in the Richard Linklater classic?

First, stop making movies with Kate Hudson. Neither of you should be making movies at all and when the two of you get together and make a movie I am pretty sure that a film student somewhere contracts Leukemia.

Put on a fucking shirt. I get it, you're ripped. You're also wealthy enough from your paychecks on cinematics gems like Reign of Fire and U-571 to buy a damned Ed Hardy shirt or something to cover your rockin' abs. You're not Gwen Stefani. Now go get dressed.

Quit the bullshit, aww shucks, watch me hang with Woody Harrelson schtick. You are not the only no-talent dipshit who made it as a movie star. That fact is only enhanced when you hang with Harrelson. Stop behaving as though you, like all the rest of us, can't believe how you got here. No one with any degree of taste thinks you should be a movie star, but for God's sake you can try and act like one.

Lastly, get a decent haircut. It's not so hard, Matt. You walk in to your local barber shop or salon and sit down and let them cut your fucking Samson mane down so you don't look like an extra from Ringo Starr's Caveman. It only takes a few minutes and you can have it done the same day you go out to buy your new shirt. I know you're scared because the last time you got your hair cut was on the set of Reign of Fire and that just made you look like the dude from The Hills Have Eyes.